


Ephemeral Days

by HelenasBertinelli (EnchantedMercury)



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: All mistakes are mine, Angst, Character Study, M/M, No Beta, No happy endings, letters to the dead, more bittersweet than anything, of sorts, tagging is still insanely difficult
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-03
Updated: 2019-10-03
Packaged: 2020-11-22 10:50:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,170
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20872976
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EnchantedMercury/pseuds/HelenasBertinelli
Summary: Eiji is...not doing well. But he's come to terms with some stuff.





	Ephemeral Days

**Author's Note:**

> So I finished the anime a few days ago and just.....could not stop thinking about it, more specifically the ending. I know it's SUPPOSED to be ambiguous but let's be honest here most of us think Ash unfortunately passes away. SO bc of that I couldn't help but wonder about Eiji's reaction, I mean the guy didn't get to even spend 24 hours in Japan before shit hit the fan. So this is my take mixed in with some slight character study. Hope you enjoy!

Dear Ash,

I am going to be honest, I do not entirely know why I am writing this, it is not like you are ever gonna receive it but I guess that is just me and my sentimental nature. Maybe it is my own way of closure. I really do not know. Not much is clear to me right now besides this:

You are gone, and I am miserable.

The worst part was definitely finding out about it. Ibe-san is not very good at hiding things from me. Much like you, he get quiet when he is lying. I knew the phone call was not good, he thought I was too busy greeting my parents to hear him but I did. He sound shocked and I heard him call Max by name. As you Americans might say - it was like pulling teeth to get him to tell me the truth. Maybe if it was old me I would have just assumed he left something back in America, but I realized I have changed more than I like to admit from my time in New York. 

And so, I found out, in the middle of Haneda Airport after a long 15 hour flight that Ash Lynx <strike>my best friend</strike>, <strike>the love of my life</strike>, the greatest human I have ever had any relationship with has passed away peacefully from an otherwise violent death. 

Remember when you told me how you felt when you killed your first man at 8 years old? That numbness you felt? You are right. It is very scary. I think that happened to me, but instead of me pulling the trigger, it felt like there was not any gun at all actually. People always say bad news feels like getting your heart ripped out of your chest but mine was still there, beating at a normal pace, and I knew that because I could hear it loud and clear in my ears. It felt more like it was completely drained of blood, the thick red warmth was gone and replaced by a cold inky substance that clogged my veins and the rest of my organs with something dark. Life teaches you to think that emotions are scary, or more that the complexity of them is what makes them scary, and it's true, perhaps you and me are living proof of that, but I would argue that total numbness is even more terrifying. 

That cold inky substance must have clogged my brain too because the rest of what happened is still not very clear after all this time. I told Ibe-san I wanted to go back to New York immediately, I wanted to see for myself, even though I know he would never lie about something like that. Of course he said no and I understand why, at least now I do. He had no issue with me going to the funeral though. Then I remember lashing out. Badly. Still in the middle of the airport. I think I even hit Ibe-san a few times based on the bruised knuckles I had the day after. I do not remember the impact, but I remember how warm he felt when he held me on the ground as my knees gave out. I remember sobbing really hard, even my toes were shaking inside my sneakers. Since I made such a scene I can imagine the amount of people that were staring, for some that would probably be embarrassing but I do not care. I was so angry Ash. Angry that you were taken from me in a way that meant I would really never get you back. Angry because our timing is never right. And angry because I know Ibe-san was planning to keep this from me. I know I am seen as innocent, I know I am a bit naive and childish but I am not stupid and I am not fragile. He knew what you mean to me and he had no right to plan on holding that information from me even if it was not going to be forever. And I can not understand why he would do that. But maybe I will with time.

Since I could not go back to America just yet, I was left with getting back into the swing of things in Japan. Coming back, even before I knew you were gone, was underwhelming to say the least but using another american quote: that is a whole other can of worms. I could blame it on the scenery but I know it was because it did not have you in it. You took up so much space in my mind for so long, being in an environment that had nothing to do with you was very odd. I missed my parents and my sister but I also felt bad for them because I did not come back as the same Eiji they knew and it probably feels like they have to get to know me again and I guess it is not easy because I admit I have become unattached in my grieving but I will never apologize for mourning you Ash. I just need time. 

My sister is as cute as ever and she is helping in her own little way. I do not think she completely understands why big brother is so sad but she still wants to help. She gave me her favorite stuffed animal to "protect me from nightmares" and after she has her bath she likes to come and lay with me. My parents say that is the longest she sat still all year. Sometimes I read her bedtime stories, and sometimes I tell her about you. I do not tell her the harsh things of course but I tell her about the quiet moments, the tender ones where nobody else was present but you and me, the stupid arguments about cooking and not about sending me back to Japan. You are an angel in her eyes because you made her big brother so happy. She would have liked you very much. 

My parents… well, they are a more interesting case. They did not despise you but they did not exactly like you either, (which I thought was very unfair - they did not know you) at least not until Ibe-san got the chance to sit down and explain things to them, not everything of course, but he told them about our relationship.

Three days later, I got a call from Sing, it was a heartfelt apology and I was very confused. He is a sweet kid and he never did anything to make me mad so I did not understand why he was apologizing at first. He feels at fault for what happened. His plan right after leaving the airport was to track down Lao. He found Lao first on the street, bleeding out from his side and he told Sing the truth of what he did as he died in Sing's arms. He said he just wanted to protect Sing, that he did not want him to die and as much as I hate his actions… I can not condemn his intentions. I would have done the same thing for you, and you have done the same thing for me. Sing tried to get to you as fast as he could but when he came to the library, it was too late. They were already pulling you out on a stretcher. 

I had never seen Sing look so young at the funeral. He is beyond mature for his age as a 14 year old gang leader but at the funeral he looked a child upset that his two friends could not get along and there was nothing he could do about it now. He kept a secret but ended up losing two of his friends because of it. He is in pain too. 

He told me Yut was not a threat anymore, that he managed to talk him down which means all your enemies are officially gone Ash, and I hope you can rest knowing that I am completely safe, no need to watch over me anymore, you did that enough when you were alive. But you are a stubborn worry wart when it comes to your loved ones and even more so me, so I know if you were given the opportunity you would probably do it anyway.

The last thing he told me was that he found the letter I gave you on the table where you were sitting. And he found the plane ticket to Japan by Lao's body. You must have dropped it when he stabbed you. It made me realize just exactly how he got so close to you in the first place.

I know it is stupid to try and blame myself so I will not. But I want to apologise, to both you and I guess myself as well. 

I am sorry our timing sucks.

We did not even have enough time in the hospital, I wanted to hug you so bad Ash, to tell you that I loved you for the first and the final time. But I will never get a chance now and it is eating me inside like a cancer. My body has realized the black inky substance is not my usual blood but it is too late, the effects are irreversible and now it is suffocating me.

This next part is really not for me but most of all Ash I am sorry you could not see yourself the way I did. I am so sorry you did not think you were capable of redemption. You lived your life thriving off hatred and a need for revenge and I am so honored to have been the one to show you what unconditional love was. I could not give you the do over you deserve but I showed you the potential you had and that was more than enough for me. I just wish we just had enough time to see it flourish more.

Anyways, it has been a week since we buried you in Boston. When I am not crying I still feel numb. The hole in my chest is still there, raw as ever, but for some reason I am glad it is there. Is that masochistic of me to say? I say it because I know the piece of my heart that is gone is with you, and I could not ask for a better person to leave it with. I know you think you do not deserve it, and if you were still with me you would definitely disagree but I hope you know I meant it when I said my soul would always be with you. It was not something that would ever expire. I even buried the letter with you. I put it in your jacket pocket as I kissed your forehead one last time. If there is something after death, wherever you end up, I know you will take good care of it. Maybe because you have taken it with you in your passing, the hole in my heart will never mend properly but that is okay, it is safe with you and that is what gives me enough peace to go on.

Speaking of going on, I do not really know what is next for me. But I know I can not stay in Japan. It has been too long for me to get back into pole vaulting, (not that I had any motivation for it anymore in the first place) and I feel like I have lived out my life here already. Maybe I will go to college here but I can not see myself staying after. I think I will go back to New York. I want to keep an eye on Sing anyways. New York scenery is also always good for photography.

I am still not saying sayonara to you. We will be meeting again someday, I am sure of it. The connection we shared with each other was one in a billion and I believe very much that we are bonded by souls, maybe it goes even further than that, all I know is I can never love someone the way I still continue to love you. A love so bright, electric and special that the pure light of it all takes up the entire room when we are together. I will never be able to give that to someone else, and I have made peace with it. 

So maybe in the afterlife, maybe in three thousand years from now, maybe in an alternate universe 50 million light years away we will meet again. I will be waiting for you Ash Lynx. However long it takes. One day our timing will be perfect.

You will not be alone on that mountain top forever my love.

Yours for this eternity and the next, and the next, and the next, and the next,

Eiji Okumura

**Author's Note:**

> WHEW okay that was nerve wracking writing Eiji's dialect was a bit of an interesting process considering in the anime, you don't exactly find out Eiji speaks in broken English until towards the end and by then it's safe to say his English has improved but its not perfect so I tried to incorporate that by not using many conjunctions and few other ticks, hopefully I got it right. Thank you for taking the time to read this!
> 
> Oh and YES I do plan on reading the manga.


End file.
